Monday, July 13, 2009

Notes and Errata*

My life has changed. A lot. The blog describing that change is still waiting in the shadows. It will emerge one day and a nicely documented account of a 3,000 miles drive, setting up life in a climate exactly the opposite of the one I had lived in for 18 years, or so. Or it will be a total piece of crap in which I only tell the story in a sort of half-assed manner that will disappoint myself and others. As of right now I think the first one will happen.

One of the things I think I always knew on some level but realized on a conscious level recently is a nervous tick I have. I am not sure if nervous is the right word for it. While standing around or walking by myself I noticed that I often feel uncomfortable with my arms swinging, hanging or swaying. This could be on account of my unusually long arms. That's right, I have long arms, longer than most people apparently. If you've noticed you have seen that I wear dress shirts a lot. When I do, the sleeves are always rolled up. The reason for this is that I do not know how to shop for shirt sizes when they have numbers on their collars. I can handle letters though M, L, XL. That I understand.

My long arms were once commented on by a British gentleman measuring me for a suit in a Men's Wearhouse (son of a bitch, I just realized the play on words at work here! How have I not noticed this before?). While measuring my arm length he said, "Oh, my you must have been eating a lot of bananas!" and "How have your arms grown so long!"

Oddly enough I don't think his equating my long monkey arms to banana consumption is the reason for my discomfort, and I have yet to determine the reason for it. Regardless of the reason my subconscious will kick in and my right arm will come across my body and scratch at an imaginary/nonexistent itch on my left wrist. It always happens in this manner and I have yet to catch myself doing it while alone in my house or amongst people. It's only alone yet in public. If I make any further discoveries or have any other revelations about being awkward alone I will report back immediately.

Moving on, I have noticed a phenomena that, to me, has seemed peculiar to Northern New York. They have left turn arrows on their roads that appear for lanes in which you can either go straight or turn. This is really weird to me because there have been a number of occasions where I will be the first one waiting at a red light and a green arrow will appear allowing me to turn if I so should wish. Neither time that this has happened had I wished to turn. Though both times there were a number of cars behind me that wished for me to turn so they too could turn. The first time this happened I thought I had really fouled things up being in a turn only lane when I wanted to go straight. But after a quick sign check I found that I was in an appropriate lane. So instead of feeling like an idiot I felt like an asshole for not letting others turn.

So why would this manner of light exist? As best as I can tell it exists in case of a cosmic miracle that there is a line of cars coming together in both space and time to turn left. On second thought maybe it's for funeral processions. They follow a lead car like mindless (and mourning) sheep. But me, I am left to ponder whether I want to be an asshole and block that lane (legally) or whether I want to wait in the often longer line of cars in the right lane.

* Blog title stolen graciously and blatantly from DWF's Infinite Jest.


  1. I always like hearing thoughts on driving, as I don't drive and never wanted looks too dangerous...all those people driving around in metal death traps...then having to obey a system and follow driving they have road rage in America?

  2. I feel bad enough when I'm in the right lane going straight and someone behind me wants to turn! I don't know if I could deal with this left turn situation!!

    I eagerly await the nicely documented and/or piece of crap account of your trip.

  3. i'm pretty sure the phrase "notes and errata" was used before david foster wallace used it. :)

    glad you got writing again. it doesn't matter so much about the subject matter so much as the hearing your voice over long distances.

    i obviously blame any bananas for any insecurities you've ever had. they certainly did a number on me. :)

  4. I love your long arms. They are not monkey arms created from extreme banana consumption as the British would have us believe. They are human arms, designed for hugging. They represent compassion and understanding in a world with far too many crossed arms and furrowed brows. Spread your magnificent love-wings and hug this planet right now, Dan. Your love for humanity is obvious in your laughter and delight toward the world and, belee me, you gotsta squeeeeeeeze!!

  5. Martyn, driving isn't so bad. I rather enjoy it and it is reasonably safe. There is definitely road rage here in the united states. people are morons everywhere. I don't hardly have to drive anywhere now though since this place is so small.

    Kerry the account is coming soon! maybe tonight and if not tomorrow for certain.

    Mo: it may have been used before DFW but I stole it from him!

    Alan if you were here i would hug you! though that goes for everyone!

  6. Well, that banana comment wasn't very nice - damned limey!