Sunday, July 19, 2009

The Sunset (or how I managed to lock myself out of my apartment)

Today was a lazy day; a very lazy day. it consisted of waking, playing a video game and watching a movie. The trouble began after noticing that there seemed to be fruit flies in my kitchen. So I did what you are supposed to do. I got rid of the fruit that was likely drawing them. How they knew there was fruit was present and how they got into the house is beyond my intellectual scope and will forever remain a mystery.

I threw out the old fruit, took the bag out of the can tied it opened my front door and placed it on the door step. I turned to retrieve a pair of flip flops so I could walk down the stairs and throw the bag into the trash can. Something distracted me, I am not sure what it was anymore but I am certain it wasn't anything important and I forgot about the bag.

A few hours pass and I heard what almost could be described as a barking. It was as though two yippy (yappy?) dogs were fighting in the distance. "Odd," I thought. Then I heard scuttling and a struggle outside my door. I drew back the curtain to see two bushy tailed squirrels fighting over my bag of trash.

At this point I leapt into action grabbing my flip flops and headed for the door. Unsure of how protective these little warriors would be over the bag of trash I tried to make as much noise opening the door as possible. While doing this I also tried to open the door slowly so neither of the little bastards had a chance to get inside. The last thing I wanted was this squirrel on squirrel fight to turn into a cat vs squirrel cage match inside my apartment.

Luckily for me both squirrels took off down the steps and up the nearest tree. I snatched up the bag of trash and proudly shut my apartment door making a victory march to the trash can. After throwing the bag in I went back up the stairs only to find that the knob will not turn.

No big deal I will just walk around to the front of the house and knock on my landlords door and ask them to let me back in. It turns out no one was home. I turned away from the door and sat on the steps of the porch to think things over. Unfortunately in my laziness I didn't bother to get dressed and was only wearing a t-shirt and gym shorts. This of course meant I didn't have my cell phone or my wallet on me.

So here I am on a sunday night in a new place, without a phone to call one of the few people I actually do know watching the sunset. The whole event was funny and even peaceful until I noticed that mosquitos were really starting to take a liking to my plump skin. So I sat there wishing I had a book to read while being assaulted by small bugs.

Around 9pm after about an hour of sitting and providing nourishment for the local bug population I saw my landlords parents drive up into their nearby driveway. I was saved! My landlords arrived on the scene within ten minutes and I was let back in.

So here I sit, itchy, typing this story of my stupidity.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Notes and Errata*

My life has changed. A lot. The blog describing that change is still waiting in the shadows. It will emerge one day and a nicely documented account of a 3,000 miles drive, setting up life in a climate exactly the opposite of the one I had lived in for 18 years, or so. Or it will be a total piece of crap in which I only tell the story in a sort of half-assed manner that will disappoint myself and others. As of right now I think the first one will happen.

One of the things I think I always knew on some level but realized on a conscious level recently is a nervous tick I have. I am not sure if nervous is the right word for it. While standing around or walking by myself I noticed that I often feel uncomfortable with my arms swinging, hanging or swaying. This could be on account of my unusually long arms. That's right, I have long arms, longer than most people apparently. If you've noticed you have seen that I wear dress shirts a lot. When I do, the sleeves are always rolled up. The reason for this is that I do not know how to shop for shirt sizes when they have numbers on their collars. I can handle letters though M, L, XL. That I understand.

My long arms were once commented on by a British gentleman measuring me for a suit in a Men's Wearhouse (son of a bitch, I just realized the play on words at work here! How have I not noticed this before?). While measuring my arm length he said, "Oh, my you must have been eating a lot of bananas!" and "How have your arms grown so long!"

Oddly enough I don't think his equating my long monkey arms to banana consumption is the reason for my discomfort, and I have yet to determine the reason for it. Regardless of the reason my subconscious will kick in and my right arm will come across my body and scratch at an imaginary/nonexistent itch on my left wrist. It always happens in this manner and I have yet to catch myself doing it while alone in my house or amongst people. It's only alone yet in public. If I make any further discoveries or have any other revelations about being awkward alone I will report back immediately.

Moving on, I have noticed a phenomena that, to me, has seemed peculiar to Northern New York. They have left turn arrows on their roads that appear for lanes in which you can either go straight or turn. This is really weird to me because there have been a number of occasions where I will be the first one waiting at a red light and a green arrow will appear allowing me to turn if I so should wish. Neither time that this has happened had I wished to turn. Though both times there were a number of cars behind me that wished for me to turn so they too could turn. The first time this happened I thought I had really fouled things up being in a turn only lane when I wanted to go straight. But after a quick sign check I found that I was in an appropriate lane. So instead of feeling like an idiot I felt like an asshole for not letting others turn.

So why would this manner of light exist? As best as I can tell it exists in case of a cosmic miracle that there is a line of cars coming together in both space and time to turn left. On second thought maybe it's for funeral processions. They follow a lead car like mindless (and mourning) sheep. But me, I am left to ponder whether I want to be an asshole and block that lane (legally) or whether I want to wait in the often longer line of cars in the right lane.

* Blog title stolen graciously and blatantly from DWF's Infinite Jest.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Sorry for the Delay

I will have a new blog up sometime next week detailing my adventure of driving across the country, visiting DC and Philadelphia and settling in at my new job. It has taken a while for the internet to be activated at my new place. Everything should be set up by monday night; after that the blog posts will be much more frequent. Thanks for your patience.